I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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