gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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