went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
