and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
