Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
