So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
