i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You are the jesus of drinking
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
