I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize