I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
