only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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