I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
