i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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