I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
