Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
