i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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