My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
