Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
