turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
