a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize