My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I deserve this hangover.
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