He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize