i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
