clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
