we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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