Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
