now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
