I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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