First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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