im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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