I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Houston, we have a squirter
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
