I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i think i just lost a toe
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
