Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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