note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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