alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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