We won't sleep together?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
