Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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