Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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