Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
