Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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