well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
