There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
