I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
