Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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