I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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