"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
