I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
