In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
