my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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