Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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