you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
