so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
