Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i drank out of a bidet.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
