I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
