I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
