I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You dont lie about slip and slides
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
