if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
