I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
