in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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