I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize