He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
