i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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