he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
