He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
