My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize