i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
