Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
