when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think my vagina is haunted
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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