remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
