I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
