Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
