I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
