I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
