so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
