U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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