I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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