I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
