this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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