He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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