Don't you send me to vm
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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